| Strength |
[May. 2nd, 2008|07:53 pm] |
You are competitive!
There have been times in my past when I have been told that I am competitive, and sometimes not in a very flattering manner, and while I have become quite upset at being labelled thusly, a year ago it was the plain and simple truth.
You see, when it comes to licensing deals there are only so many artists a company will license artworks from, and when there are a wealth of talented artists to draw upon it becomes necessary to compete with the other artists vying for that company's attention.
It is the nature of humans to have their interest snared and captured by that which is beautiful, and we as artists compete with each other by posting and promoting our art whenever we have something new to show. It's not a sense of wanting or needing to do better than another artist, but an awareness that we are often all vying for the interest of the same customers. I have an enormous amount of respect for the artists within my circles, but when a customer purchases a print from them it often means that it's one less print that same person won't be buying from me. It is the nature of business to compete with those who are in the same business as yourself.
We all have fans of our work, and in many cases we have fans who are also fans of other artist's work, especially if our artworks are similar in nature. There are many out there who don't notice the differences. They only see the similarities. With no ill intent, they email us and tell us how much they love our work and how much it reminds them of [insert other artist's name here]. It is meant as a compliment, but sometimes it's not what we artists want or need to hear. We might like to deny it, but we do have egos, and those egos like to believe that the work we create as artists is unique, and different, and unlike anything any other artist has ever painted.
Sometimes it is because of the comparisons that those we are compared with become our greatest rivals. We covet their successes, and wonder why we have not succeeded in the same way. We don't really wish them ill; we just want our business to be as successful, and if that means being a little underhanded at times, then so be it.
It is the reality we have created, whether we like it or not. Sadly, to compete with others is something we have been taught to do, often before we can even walk or talk. We compete with siblings for our parent's attention, we compete for the better toys, better grades in school, in sports, in business, in love, and you know what? We don't have to. The truth is, that if we are doing what we are meant to, then most times everything falls into place.
I'll be the first to admit that to be jealous and competitive it is not a beautiful face to put forward. However, we see it all the time - a handful of businesses all vying for the same clientele and wishing to knock some of the competition out of the way. It's not nice! It's not pretty! It can get downright dirty and ugly. However, it sometimes feels like a brutal necessity, especially when there is a driving need to feed your children and pay the bills. It does not excuse the behaviour at all, but it makes it a little more understandable.
So where am I going with this post? I found myself thinking on a conversation that I had with She D'Montford at the Mind Body Spirit Festival. We were discussing my being available to illustrate an oracle deck, and how I would not be able to take on anything this large for a while due to the fact that I would be working on my own tarot deck. She asked me who I would recommend, and the first name that sprang forth from my lips was (name removed).
I have a great deal of respect for (name removed), and a true admiration for this person's work. They are one of the few artists who has continued to impress me over there years. Their work has shown growth from one painting to the next, and of late each and every one of them has made me go "WOW! That's impressive!"
It struck me as I was coming home in the train how life and being fulfilled spiritually and professionally can change us dramatically. I have discovered over the last year just how unnecessary the need to compete with others truly is. It is pointless. I have accomplished more professionally in the last year, than I have in the last five years. Why? How?
Eighteen months ago, I saw (name removed) as my biggest rival. I coveted their successes. I wanted them for myself. I craved to have just a quarter of the business and interest that is derived from the gorgeous works that they paint. There were times when I was so jealous I hated them, but I also liked them a great deal too. Just thinking of them left me conflicted, and vulnerable, and that vulnerability made me angry. In many ways, (name removed) had become my nemesis, and a person who brought out of me a side that I am not proud of.
But my rivalry with them also spurned me on. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me going. It was an ugly feeling, and nothing truly good came of it. I lost a good friend, for though we are friendly now it will no doubt be a long, long time before (name removed) truly forgives me for how I behaved or trusts me again. I paid a high price for my competitive nature, but I could have paid a far higher one.
I chose not to.
I'll let you in on a little secret -- one of the 'personal reasons' why I stepped away from licensing is because I no longer wanted to compete with other artists within my circle. During my time with the Fairy Society, we were all played against each other. We were often manipulated, each of us forced to vye for favour because the owner of the company always rewarded the favourites by using their art first, or by offering them the juiciest contracts. It felt wrong. It felt unnatural.
Everything I did, everything I said, went against who I believed myself to be. It was as if some ugly dark creature had taken over my soul and for the six or so months that I was involved with the group I found myself hating myself more and more. It shocked me. It scared me. So I stepped back. I found myself faced with a choice -- continue along the licensing path and become successful at the cost of my integrity, or reconnect with the reason why I began to paint in the first place. My goal was always to illustrate. My childhood dream was to see my work on bookshelves, on covers, inside on the pages between the covers, and better yet, to have written the words and to have painted the visions created by those words. The childhood dream was woven with strands of my spirituality, and a strong belief in destiny. Destiny is inescapable. I believe we choose our destiny before we enter each life, and that is why I knew at a very very early age what I wanted to be. You see, when we are children we still full of the memories of the lives before and the times in between. It's only as we get older that we forget and have those memories replaced with the often unnatural behaviours and beliefs instilled in us by our parents and the society we live in.
Along the way we often find ourselves on the receiving end of a cosmic foot up the arse if we stray. That 'foot' comes in the form of conflict, upheavel, doubts, fears, jealousy, and sometimes bad behaviour that often results in our 'self' being hurt far more than those we have transgressed against. The feelings, the anger, the conflict, the jealousy, all of what I felt was that cosmic foot being firmly planted. It was a beating that was not going to end unless I made it end.
I found the choice to be an easy one... eventually. It was time to start going with the flow again, instead of fighting against it. It was time to believe and trust in my destiny. If it was and is my destiny to do as I had vowed as a child, then I would be provided for. Ask and ye shall receive. If I was right, if I was doing what I believed with my entire being to be what I was meant to do, then I would be watched over and steered in the right direction.
A year has gone by since I made that choice, and today on the train ride home from the Mind Body Spirit Festival I found myself suddenly aware that I no longer feel the need to compete with any of the artists within my circle. There have always been a few I have never felt a desire to outshine; my friends Meredith Dillman and Jane Starr Weils come to mind. I've always beamed with pride and joy at every success that has come their way, sometimes delighting in their triumph as if their triumph was my own.
So I know what it feels like not to feel competitive, and to suddenly find myself feeling its absence completely was oddly unsettling in a way. I didn't feel joy or happiness. It almost felt like my heartbeat had stopped and all the sound went out of the world. It startled me for a moment.
And then I felt ... free.
I knew with the utmost certainty that one year ago, I made a choice that has resulted in my feeling both spiritually connected and fulfilled. I am so very excited, sometimes it's hard to sit still. I am doing what a little girl dreamed of doing almost 35 years ago, and I know I am doing what I am meant to do. This last year has proven it to me in so many ways and on so many levels. Yes, there have been times when I've been worried, and times when I have doubted. That too is normal, and part of being a wonderfully complex human being, but not once have I not been blessed with what I need when I've needed it. Sometimes, that which I am blessed with is not what I believed I wanted, but more often than not I have discovered that it was.
I find myself trusting in my instincts and intuition again, and in turn I feel a strength that I have never experienced before.
Signs are given to us along the way, and I know with every fibre of my being that today I was told that I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment.
How can I be so sure?
Today I also went to Lucy Cavendish's workshop. As is her usual practise, the beautiful Lucy gave each of us a card from her oracle deck. But today Lucy did something different. Instead of her telling each of us what the card meant, she instead asked us to try and discern the message for ourselves, and I found myself looking at the card in my hand and knowing that it was an affirmation.
I drew the Strength card -- a year ago, I made a choice and a decision to go forward with an open heart, with trust, and with my destiny in mind. A year later, I find myself bouyed with a stronger faith, a stronger conviction, and feeling strong and confident. I am stronger, and it's both interesting and a bit of an adventure to discover in just how many ways I have changed and grown as a person during this stage of my life journey.
With regards to the identity of the artist with whom I have felt an 'unbecoming rivalry', I have chosen to remove their name from my post. I've not done this for my own comfort, but out of respect for the artist in question. While some are aware of what transpired, others are not and they don't need to know. This post was not about our relationship, but to serve to show a darker, baser side of my nature and how I have changed things in my life in order to move forward, learn and grow. I hope others will find what I have written to be positive and uplifting. |
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